The
town--or rather, census-designated place--of Buies Creek, North
Carolina is a haven for the small-minded, a perfect example of the
backwardness that so frequently characterizes small towns... in short, a
place in serious need of the right kind of barber. All it takes is an
examination of their history to demonstrate quite clearly that Buies
Creek is, and has always been, full of filth and a disgrace to humanity.
Buies
Creek is located in Harnett County. The county was formed in 1855 from
parts of Cumberland County and received its name from Cornelius Harnett,
a local Revolutionary War patriot--and such a pointless war it was,
breaking away from one corrupt empire to form another; another of
humanity’s futile struggles against itself--but I digress.
Cornelius
Harnett is not the only bit of county history related to the
Revolutionary War. Near Lillington, the county seat and only a few
minutes’ drive from Buies Creek, Patriots executed many Scottish
settlers for refusing to fight on their side, either not knowing or not
caring of the oaths these Scotsmen had been compelled to swear never to
take arms against the British. In other words, even nearly a century
before its formation, Harnett County was a prime example of the evil of
which mankind is capable. I assure you, it has not changed. There are
fewer mass executions at gunpoint than there used to be, I admit, but...
well, if you don’t believe me, then let us discuss the town itself.
Buies
Creek is home to Campbell University, a Baptist college with a bit of
history of its own. It was founded on January 5, 1987 by James Archibald
Campbell, who was--what else in this filthy town?--a preacher. It began
as a one-room school with twenty-one students and grew rapidly, going
through several expansions and name changes before finally becoming
Campbell University in 1979; today it hosts between nine and ten
thousand students... the thought of such a great number of wretched,
twisted souls is sickening.
As
a college town Buies Creek is certainly not much; the most excitement a
student can get is by going to a nearby town’s bowling alley. The
university itself also leaves much to be desired in academic rigor. It
does, however, have an excellent school of pharmacy, and also of
law--the lowest of professions. In 2009 the law school changed locations
to Raleigh, the state capital, and possibly a still more wretched
place--but this is neither the time nor the place to discuss Raleigh.
Buies Creek will provide more than enough filth for the writing of this
essay.
It
is not just the local university that is Baptist. These Baptist folk
seem to be everywhere in this town, spreading like a plague. If I do
decide to set up shop in their little town, they will be the first
demographic group targeted. I could go on and on forever on their
backward beliefs and attitudes. Their views on gender roles alone are
horrifying. Why, in their official statement of faith, they explicitly
say that they believe God permits men to be preachers, but forbids women
from holding that role. Absurd! It should be clear to everyone that
both sexes are equally depraved and should be banned from positions of
spiritual authority. How dare they assert that anyone has rights?
Do
you now see what a horrible place this town is? How backward, how full
of hatred toward anyone different? It needs to be cleansed. It needs me. And who am I to deny its call? I have decided. Buies Creek will have a new barber.
TWO MONTHS LATER
I
regret to inform you, loyal readers, that I have failed. I set up shop
in Buies Creek; I advertised in all of their pitiful, right-wing-biased
newspapers; I even put up fliers all over town, making sure to specify
that they were printed on non-recycled paper and would be thrown away
afterward, in case they are prejudiced against those who engage in
environmentally friendly practices. I thought that business would be
booming in no time! But the odds were against me.
There
was no demographic group with which I could succeed. Unfortunately, it
seems that a shockingly large percentage of the town’s population enjoys
walking around with days’ worth of stubble on their faces, perhaps to
complement their camouflage jackets. Another significant part of the
population, the students of Campbell University, seemed rather annoyed
when I approached them on the streets and insisted that they could not
afford to be professionally shaved, even for my entirely reasonable
price.
Moreover,
I faced ignorance and discrimination everywhere I turned. Quite often I
would be approached by respectable-looking people who appeared to be
prospective clients, but just as I allowed myself to hope, they would
ask me if I had “accepted Jesus Christ as my personal Lord and Savior”
or invite me to their churches. People shot me dirty looks whenever I
ventured outdoors. And besides all that, I kept finding graffiti on my
shop, things like “Devil Worshiper” and “Goths Go Home.”
I
bore it as long as I could, but when two months passed without a single
client, I finally gave up and returned to London. It seems a different
approach is needed to deal with the people of Buies Creek. Perhaps I can
persuade Mrs. Lovett to give up the meat pie business and learn to make
barbeque. With the right poisons, that could work very nicely... Stay
tuned for new developments!
SOURCES
http://www.northcarolinahistory.org/encyclopedia/479/entry
http://www.northcarolinahistory.org/encyclopedia/474/entry
http://www.northcarolinahistory.org/encyclopedia/559/entry
http://www.harnett.org/history-of-harnett-county.asp
http://www.sbc.net/bfm/bfm2000.asp
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